You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
