Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
