even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
