I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
