God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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