So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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