The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my liver is dry heaving
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
