do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize