my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
