lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
