i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
