Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
