we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
