Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
