he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
