I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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