Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize