As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Damn victory sex feels great
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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