She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
