Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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