Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
