i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
