Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was born a porn star she said
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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