the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
