just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
