My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You can't motorboat a personality
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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