So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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