would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
