I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
