I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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