Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I supernannyed him into submission
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