the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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