The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
