I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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