What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
