She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
