when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
