I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
