remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
