U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
