dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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