I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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