tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
