Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize