I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My hand turned me down
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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