She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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