WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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