White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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