Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
