Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
They took my balls.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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