I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
