I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
