Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
