I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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