Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
