is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize