I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
